Jan 18, 2020
In FEELINGS CLUB
Hi everyone, I'm a teenager and I'm sort of a newbie when it comes to dating and, you know, feelings. So I'm in my second to last year of high school and recently a guy about a year older than me caught my attention. Its gets worse because after seeing him out with friends near where I live one night, I found out that he actually lives near me and takes the same train to school as me every morning. It's like torture because I've never talked to him before and have never had a reason to talk to him but I really, really want to, I just have no idea where to even start. I mean wouldn't it be creepy to talk to him at this point? I can't even explain why I'm so set on talking to him I just have a feeling we would get along. I can't stop thinking about this. I just know I'll regret it for the rets of my life if I bever tak to him. I should probably just gather up my courage and self-confidence and JUST TALK TO HIM but ugh boy am I scared. I think I'm crazy... What do I do? Any tips? Note I wrote to ? in December: ?, You will never read this. I know that simply because I see no way for you to ever have a reason to read this. I may never even have proper conversation with you. Thinking about that makes me sad. I don't really know why. I have no real reason to feel like this towards you. I don't know why I do, it annoys me. I feel like I'm superficial, immature or just plain dumb. I feel like the stereotypical teenage girl crushing on any random good-looking dude. I tell myself it's not the case with you but then why else would i feel like this. You may have no idea, in fact you probably do have no idea, about all of this craziness inside my head. Why should you? Or you may have noticed that we bump into eachother a lot. Mostly by coincidence but sometimes by what I call "calculated coincidence". You may have noticed me. And to be honest if you have I have no idea whether your impression of me would be good or bad. Whether I just look like a weird, immature 5th grader to you. I most likely never will know. A huge part of me, LONGS to talk to you. LIKE CRAZY. I imagine crazy scenarios in my head where that would happen but none of them seem feasible. I just can't come up with an excuse to talk to you. But another, smaller, part of me kind of likes what I have now. Although it makes me suffer to think I may never see you again after you graduate and therefore never get the chance to get to know you, I worry that if I do talk to you I'll lose this excitement and wonder I have surrounding you. To me you seem wonderful. I want you to know that. If you ever doubt yourself just know that I think you're wonderful, even though that probably makes me sound completely creepy. Anyway, what I mean to see is just that I enjoy playing the little game of trying to learn more about you through observation. I enjoy bumping into you "by chance" in the halls every day. But man do I want to talk to you as well. Thinking back I probably should have just been acknowledging you with a look at least from the get go. Like if I had just gotten into the habit of looking at you from the start it might not be as hard as it is now to think of doing that. I have no reason to even be thinking about you but I guess I just have to accept that I am and move on. If I ever get the chance to speak with you, I promise myself I will seize it. I hope one day you will read this. I hope you won't cringe too hard or judge me. I am stupid. I'm sorry. Why you had to be the object of these stupid feelings of mine I don't know. I hate it. ?, I want to get to know you. I don't want you to see me as just another 5th grader. Or even (if my worst feelings are a reality) for you to think I'm a creepy, weird stalker. I want you to think of me as a friend. Just that. Who knows if that will happen. I hope it does. I really, sincerely do. It probably won't. That makes me so fucking sad. I keep thinking back to every single one of our interactions like an idiot. You've probably forgotten everything or didn't even notice. Or maybe you have and are thinking about it somewhere in your room. Alright Sabine, one can dream. I hate myself for this. It's soooo stupid. Why can't I have feelings for someone I might actually have a chance with. Why. Fuck. Okay goodnight. Note i wrote to ? in January: I refuse to let things be like this forever. To not do anything. To not say anything. I need to talk to you. I need to tell you. How? I have no idea. And holy fuck am I terrified of the idea but I have to do something. Thinking about the possibility of never saying anything hurts too much. I have to try you know. I have very little faith it will turn out well. I mean, what the fuck do I even say? Where do I start? Is "hello" enough? Probably not.. I don't know I just...I know I'll regret it if I don't say anything. I'll live my whole life thinking "fuck what a coward". It doesn't take much to try, right? I just really want to talk to you. To be your friend. To not have to ignore you. To have a chance. I owe myself at least that, you know. A chance. I'll regret it if I do nithing. I know I will. I just have to be brave and confident. If I fail it's okay. I'll survive. I'll get over it. At least I won't spend my whole life wondering "what if?" cause I'll have my answer.